What happens to children after divorce?
Sometimes it comes to this point that you and your spouse have not reached a conclusion from any of the methods of patience, tolerance, conversation, counseling, etc., and you are forced to go to this blackest lawful of God. What about the children? Children you have dreamed of for a lifetime and cared for years to get here and wanted to grow up in front of your eyes. Now, these little flowers are caught in the middle of the storm you have created and are being pulled aside at any moment.
Take a look at the lives of divorced children and the needs they have after being separated from one of their parents. In this article, psychologist Atefeh Kiani Nejad shares advice with parents who have decided to separate to help reduce the harm of divorce for their children.
When a divorce occurs, there is no guarantee that the child will not be harmed. The fact is that the child experiences a critical situation with the occurrence of divorce, and according to the extent of his adjustment and mental condition, he also suffers. It is normal for a child to not be the same person for a long time after divorce, but there is no denying that with the help of a number of strategies, the stress of this period can be reduced.
Of course, if the divorce process itself is not a period of stress and conflict, children will be less harmed during this event. Parents who separate by agreement and make this decision without quarreling are less likely to harm their children.
Moreover, if the situation after divorce is better than the situation that the child experienced while his parents were together, we can say that divorce has caused less damage to the child’s life. Children who live with their parents experienced domestic violence and child abuse, but after a divorce they moved into a quiet home, suffering little from this separation, whereas if their parents were together they could have experienced more traumatic conditions.
Answer their questions
Because sudden lifestyle changes are stressful for children and create questions in their minds that hurt them if left unanswered, parents need to be more intelligent in answering their child’s questions. Spend. Unfortunately, most children do not ask these questions and when they ask, they do not get the right answer. But to protect children during divorce, parents should encourage them to ask questions and ask their child to express the negative or positive feelings he or she is experiencing.
They should take the time to talk to their child and say things like, “We’ll talk about this when you grow up!” Or “These things do not concern you, do not think about them!” Do not involve their children in these unanswered questions. When children do not get the right answers from adults, they try to find the answers themselves, and unfortunately, they often find the wrong and hurtful answers to their questions.
Do not touch-sensitive items
The answers you give to your child’s questions about separation should be appropriate for his or her age and mental health.
You do not have the right to lie when answering his questions, but you can choose an answer that contains only the part of reality that is acceptable to the child. When a child asks why he left our father, you should not say that he loved another woman more than us and betrayed us, because even if such an answer is correct, you create a negative mentality towards his father in his mind and By pessimizing him about one of the most important people in his life, you will engage him in various problems for the rest of his life.
In answer to such a question, you can say that, as you can see, we were not happy together and we had many problems that we decided to live a short distance from each other to live better and happier. Such an answer does not tell the whole truth, but it is not a lie and the child has the ability to understand it.
You are not going to tell the whole truth
Parents think that if the child knows the facts, it will be easier to accept the divorce, but by telling some facts, they make it much harder for him to accept this issue. When a divorce occurs because of a parent’s problems, such as addiction, infidelity, or mental health problems, you should not share the information you have about that parent. Knowing these facts is not commensurate with the age of the children and damages their relationship with that parent who may not be a good spouse but a good father.
A child’s hatred of one parent has many negative consequences and has a devastating effect on him in various aspects until the end of his life. In this situation, the parents should explain that the problems are related to me and your father, but we both love you and try to make you happy. Parents who have been abandoned by their spouse, instead of telling the child that he or she did not like your mom or dad, should say that he or she needed to be a little more alone to solve his or her problems.
In fact, in all these situations, you should not convey your feelings to the child and teach him to judge the situation in your own way. Do not forget that parents and family members are like members of your child and you should not separate any of them from the child only by your own will. So never worry about your past and the feelings you experienced after the divorce. During this heartbreak, you may give your child information that is not digestible.
Do not abuse the child
After the separation, do not make your child a postman, and do not ask him to bring you the news of another parent’s house. Such behavior is an accurate example of child abuse and will hurt your child a lot. When you use your child as a spy tool, you make him feel guilty and this feeling can lead to depression and anxiety in the future. Become.
After the separation, if you want to say something to your ex-spouse, consider yourself or an adult mediator to choose the message.
You should not sacrifice yourself
You have the right to start a new life and remarry after divorce, but you should not hide the matter from your child. Children should be aware of your marriage months before they hear about it. You are not going to do this according to your child’s opinion and use his or her disagreement or agreement as a criterion for your decision, but you can explain the problem to him and even through play, calm him down with this decision and of course with the person who She is going to live next to him, get acquainted.
You must explain to the child that I am going to get married, but you are still the most important person in my life and I will protect you with all my being after my marriage and I will try to make you happy. Tell the child that the newcomer is not supposed to be his or her parent and does not have to love him or her, but must respect him or her. Going out three times together can help your child prepare.
Your spouse is not the mother of your children.
Many people who marry a person with a child have a saving spirit. They want to enter his life like an angel of salvation, and in addition to organizing that life, they also raise their wife’s child. You should ask your spouse not to interfere in your child’s upbringing and not to invade the privacy of your parent-child. Tell him to share any problems with me so that I can take care of them myself.
Tell your child that if he likes, he can call this newcomer a parent, but he does not have to because he has parents and this person did not come to take their place. Let your child know that if there are any problems or disagreements with your spouse, he or she can let you know and count on your help.
Do not take everything from him at the same time
You can reduce the harm of this by likening your child’s lifestyle to pre-divorce life. Your child is experiencing a great loss, so do not make it harder for him to endure by taking other lovely aspects of his life from him. If your child had a separate room before the separation, do your best to provide the same conditions after the divorce. Do not forget that changing schools and separating from neighbors and friends after divorce can cause irreparable damage to your child.