Punishing and encouraging children should be done at the right time
Encouragement literally means to excite and praise and encourage someone. Encouragement is one of the innate desires of every human being that remains in him for the rest of his life. And the punishment is informing the person of its undesirable consequences. In education, when we talk about encouragement and punishment, it means to acquaint the child with right and wrong behavior and to introduce him to the result of good deeds and the consequences of bad behavior.
Obviously, the nature of heredity can not be changed much, and important and influential factors in the non-hereditary formation of everyone’s personality are education and environmental factors.
Soraya Manzavi Kajidi, a psychologist, says in an interview with Iran about these two important educational tools, namely encouragement, and punishment, which play a significant role in education: The ratio of punishment to encouragement should be 20 to 80.
That is, only 20% of cases use punishment and 80% of cases, use useful and effective tools of encouragement. In addition, it is better than punishment to be related to the issue and more in the form of temporary removal of facilities. For example, if your child intentionally breaks the curriculum at home, you can temporarily keep him or her in his or her room and prevent him or her from watching TV. This punishment should be short-term and temporary. One minute is enough for each year of the child’s age. For example, an eight-year-old child should be alone in the room, away from the television, for only eight minutes while the child is playing.
The child must see and understand the parent’s dissatisfaction with their punishment, as well as the parent’s dissatisfaction with their inappropriate behavior. But the important thing is that the child understands exactly that the parent loves him completely unconditionally and, against his inner desire and only to correct his behavior, he has to punish him.
Punishment comes first or encouragement?
According to this psychologist, in 80% of cases, you can and should use encouragement before the work is punished. It is very appropriate to encourage without delay. One of the most appropriate encouragements used by both the parents and those around the child is social approval. Social approval is a strong and valuable encouragement that reinforces and replicates the “approved behavior” and will cause the child to repeat that behavior. Using this very appropriate tool, in raising a child, should be done with full care and awareness. Accept. This tool is quite sensitive and looks like a sharp, double-edged weapon. Social endorsement is the sharp kitchen knife that either easily chop meat in the kitchen or severely injures the chef’s hand if left unattended and misused.
Manzi points out that if a child’s correct action is approved and encouraged by you in public, that action will be repeated in your child, adding: “By continuing the method of approval and encouragement, you can even do that good deed to the queen.” Turn mental and behavioral stability in him. For example, if your child stands with you in prayer and completes the prayer with the same childish postures and gestures, you can have a cordial party with him after the prayer and pay special attention to him. While he likes the crowds you know, define him in a beautiful and pleasing way for the crowd, and rest assured that this will be much more effective than material encouragement.
The tremendous impact of social approval is such that in cases like the one above, using the social verification method will be much more effective than material encouragement. Of course, it should be noted that if you want material encouragement, this encouragement should be done unexpectedly and without prior notice.
But when will the tool of approval and encouragement have the opposite effect? This psychologist states in response to the above question: Confirm in public, you will get a photo result. It is here that you inflict unwanted psychological and personality damage on your beloved child with your own hands. In this regard, the child’s behavior has gained “social approval”, the child will think that his behavior is appropriate and by receiving this approval, inappropriate behavior. Will repeat itself.
Injuries of misplaced encouragement and punishment
A child who misbehaves as a result of inappropriate encouragement may, contrary to his or her expectations, be exposed to a variety of inappropriate behaviors, including parental aggression.
Manzi Kajidi, stating that the child does not expect aggressive behavior from his parents, suffers from conflict and personality duality in relation to this behavior and is exposed to two serious psychological harms by the incorrect use of “social verification” tools by adults:
Due to the initial inappropriate encouragement and approval, the child reinforces and stabilizes the bad behavior as good behavior in himself, and even worse, by not approving in the later stages, he becomes conflicted and ambivalent towards that behavior.
Perhaps the worst and most damaging harm to your child is when he or she is a teenager. Because, according to the famous scientist and psychologist Erickson, children are in the stage of identification in adolescence, and with inappropriate behavior and affirmations, instead of helping them to identify, you will confuse them with identity, and thus, the basics. You will build children’s personality confusion.